May 13, 2014

The Verdict

"The MRI of your brain showed nothing. Nothing abnormal that is." That was my neurologist trying to be cute. He is terribly lacking in social skills and I guess this is his attempt to connect. This was a pretty significant event in my life and it just felt like he was trivializing my experience, but I think he was just trying in a really bizarre way to make me feel comfortable. Anyway, it was good news that I didn't have a brain tumor, or a stroke, or bleeding in the brain, or my worst fear of all, signs of early Alzheimer's. There was no indication of the last... I just watched my mother slowly succumb... disappear... to that and feared that they might find it lurking in my brain as well.

He cleared me to go to South Africa with my daughter which was the main thing, and a mixed blessing. I really want this time and this experience with Maura; but the wreck left me poorly prepared to leave my students and my husband. I am a month behind on the plans I intended for both. My brain is still so addled... "Oh, that's all post-concussive," says my neurologist dismissively, "Would you like some drugs to help your cognition? Here's some you can look up on Web-MD to see if you'd like to try some."  

I stumble over my words and finally get out, "Are they useful with people who have had concussions?"

" Oh, they're good for anybody."  My brain absorbs this slowly as it does all things these days. As I've said before, I have a very challenging class at school (a class I wanted to teach when everyone thought I had lost my mind) and although they have been amazingly patient with me, I have not been sharp enough to do what I have been doing which is why I have decided to go ahead with my trip to South Africa. But adding another drug to my already large regimen of pills at this point seems a bad idea. I already set the alarm on my iphone twice a day and have an old lady pillbox. In spite of this temptation to try a magic pill, I decide to wait until the summer to give my concussion symptoms time to heal on their own first.

My lethargy and constant need for a nap may also be related to a recent discovery of a low functioning thyroid... as if I needed another medical diagnosis. My self image is not about being puny and inactive. No one who knows me sees me that way either. Giving up running because of my feet problems is one thing. Sitting around the house is another. I will work hard to find a solution and I will religiously take any medication that will help me back to an active lifestyle that does not make me so dependent on others. I am doing my best to be well behaved but this has probably been the biggest challenge of my life.  I really thought not being able to drive for six months would be the worst but it's such a toss up.

I have so many symptoms and there are so many factors that I really don't know what is causing what. Some things I'm fairly certain are my new medicine. The day I maxed out on my new medicine I almost cried in front of my students and I felt kinda drunk. Both feelings wore off by the end of the day.  The dizziness I feel every time I lean over or turn too fast is very consistent and is almost certainly concussion. Also concussion is the slurred speech which is mostly diminished. The inability to find words, substituting near miss words, and general sluggishness of thought is probably concussion but could also be related to my medicine. The jury is still out because it is listed as one of the many side effects of the drug I am taking. The tingling, stinging sensations in my legs, hands and feet are certainly the drug but so far are more disconcerting than painful. Well, they are sometimes painful, but for very short periods of time. I am dreaming more and very bizarrely... but who knows what that is.  I am somewhat more depressed but whether that is chemical or circumstantial cannot really be determined at this point.

And then there's the orthopedics...

I always thought breaking a collarbone wasn't that big a deal because you just walked around with a sling. Wrong.  It just means that it's in such an awkward place that no cast is possible. I'm one of the lucky ones that had a clean break. However, I'm old so that means it might not heal on its own. It's a wait and see proposition. The bone doctor told me I could take the sling off at my follow up appointment. I was elated!!!. My muscles were so cramped and relieved. I raised my hand over my head for the first time in over 3 weeks. It was heaven for my muscles.... but after one day off the sling my collar bone hurt so badly that I had to take Advil the next night. The doctor had told me that they might have to put a stint in it anyway if it didn't heal on its own. I had an ugly thought that he wanted to make sure he got his surgery by telling me I could move it as long as I didn't carry any weight on it. Not true, I'm sure... but I've been wearing my sling part of the day since that one day. (And I fully intend to board the plane with it and ask for assistance.) I am also a wiggler in my sleep, switching often from one side to another.  Not being able to sleep on my left side has been very hard on me (and my husband). The worst part of the broken collar bone is how hard it is to wear a bra. First of all, I almost always wear running type bras which are simply impossible to put on with a broken collarbone. (If this is TMI for some of you, just skip ahead.) And second, any bra starts to hurt my shoulder after an hour or so.  Fortunately, I've been in the habit of wearing a wool camisole over my bra for more than a year. My son was so right in that you can wear wool for weeks without it smelling bad. I didn't believe him but it is true. (And if my son's wool clothing doesn't stink, believe me, nobody's will!) Anyway, I've been wearing that instead of a bra to anywhere but school. I feel a little guilty because at my age and it being in the summer, it can be a traumatic experience for those around me.. but i really don't get out much and try to hide behind my sling as much as possible. About a third of my church congregation are homeless, so they're a pretty tolerant group and it's not much of an issue there.

The worst orthopedic pain has actually not been the breaks but the bruised and separated from the sternum ribs. How your ribs can separate from the sternum without breaking I don't know but the ER people said they stretched but didn't break. The first week or two I could barely breathe and would fight a sneeze and make this horrible sound to prevent one.

Even now, I cannot turn in bed without pain in my upper chest. And if I cough, I feel the need to rub it. I asked the orthopedist about it because the weekend before my appointment it hurt when I breathed after a period of being better and then got better when I slept but then got red. He looked at it and said it could be some busted blood vessels and that it was just going to take a long time to heal. I still have pain in my upper chest but the lower rib pain is pretty much gone. I was worried for a while that I might have bruised my heart. I still think I might have bruised my esophagus. I've had more acid issues than I've had in a while.

And then there's my wrist. They x-rayed it on my first visit when I told them it hurt, but the physician's assistant didn't see a break. On my follow-up, I saw the doctor and said it still hurt. When he touched it, I almost came off the table. Another x-ray and he identified a crack.  No cast but a brace to wear. It really helps, too. I would bump it in the night before and it would wake me up. But just one more thing that just takes time to heal. Evidently, I needed some work on my character with a particular emphasis on patience.

This seems like a long blog, but I've actually spent 10-12 hours writing it in 10 - 20 minute snippets. It does seem kinda whiny in places but that's not at all the way I feel. What I feel is really, really grateful. I have been given extra, and I assume for a reason. I plan to live it and rejoice in it.